Fuccck, I’ve known it for a while, I’ve just been trying to be an ostrich for as long as possible and keep my head in the sand and ignore everything. That really doesn’t seem to be working so well for me anymore though.
I just hate that I can’t do this on my own. I hate that I’ve fallen back into this place again, and I’m scrambling to climb back up the walls but I can’t find any purchase.
It’s just so, so fucking hard. All that work is daunting, and I know how much work it takes because I’ve done it before.
The other thing is admitting to my mom that I need to go back. Sometimes she tends to get obsessive about my appointments, and it was worse when I was in therapy because I needed to go to get happy, and as there is no measurable output for happiness, I just had to go to my appointments every week, no matter what. and now mingled with all my pain clinic stuff, alksdhfdasj.
I just really need to focus on setting myself straight right now, I guess. Losing weight, getting my head back together, and trying to piece together my life.